When you meet someone and things are going great, you get caught up in the excitement and you forget about the vulnerability of it all. When I met Tim online there was something about him that I was immediately drawn too; he was handsome, funny, very involved with his daughters and you could see the kindness in his eyes. We talked almost every day exchanging stories about our kids, work, life, or whatever was going on with us that day. We connected. He was someone I could see myself sharing my life with. We didn’t actually meet up in person until a month after we met online. We planned to meet for coffee which turned into dinner, a long walk through my town and then drinks. He held my hand and even asked to kiss me. I couldn’t remember the last time a man was such a gentleman. That night was incredible and for me, just a glimpse of what I had to look forward to with him. He had met my daughter while he was visiting and seeing how sweet and caring he was towards her only made me adore him more. We saw each other one more time before he headed home to Arizona. The thing about Tim was that he was recently divorced and starting a new chapter of his life. I could relate and understood what he was dealing with inside, which honestly never goes away, but you find a way to move forward. I was worried at first that he might not be ready for what I wanted, but I didn’t say anything because I figured if he was putting himself out there then maybe he was. We continued to talk everyday on the phone or via text making the best of the distance between us until we could see each other again. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew it would be worth it. I liked him a lot and found myself letting my guard down with him. He was planning on coming out this next week for Christmas and we had plans to see each other over the holidays. That was until he called things off out of nowhere. He explained that he was still dealing with his divorce and could not give me what I wanted right now and I would be unfair to me and selfish of him if he tried. I respected that, but I didn’t understand it. It came out of nowhere. I was also a bit offended because I knew what he was going through and for him to tell me I didn’t understand was hurtful. It brought back all my heartache of my past failed relationships, my anger towards my daughters Dad and the agony I feel towards finding love. He was right about one thing, that if he couldn’t give me what I needed than he doesn’t deserve me.

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Red lips smudged, callin you daddy, I just can’t get enough of you. Red heels on, panties off, oh daddy take all of me.

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Why do men feel the need to ask me why I am single? Is this a pick up line? Are you asking because you can’t believe someone who you say is beautiful, smart, funny and a bit smart assy, could not be taken at this very moment? Are you hoping I’m going to be flattered by your implication that I’m a catch? Well, I however, am not flattered, but instead put off by your question because I feel it implies something is wrong with me, like I have a disease that enables me from holding a man down and that’s just not the case. I wish there was clear cut answer as to why, but there’s not. To simply reply to this question with, “I haven’t met the right man” would be a vague understatement. I have met many wonderful men in my life! A few of them who I have admired dearly, but life, my life as a single Mom, does not make dating or finding someone to share my life with easy. Hopefully one day I won’t have to answer the question, “why are you single?” Until then men, please stop asking. Yours truly. ❤️

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There’s always that awkward chance after a breakup that you could run into your ex; especially if you still have mutual friends, live in the same town, or in my case, live across the street from him. I knew moving into my place that my ex lived across the street, well at the time he wasn’t my ex. Still, who does that right? (Lesson #1: Never live that close in proximity to a boyfriend or girlfriend )  We had been dating through the summer and he was the first guy since my daughters Dad that I fell hard for, really hard for. We had met through a mutual friend of ours, actually it was a guy I had known since Junior High, and one of his boys. Things were going great that summer with us and the passion between us was undeniable! We would see each for lunch (sometimes we would actually eat lunch), have our week night date nights and spend the weekends together as much as we could. He would cook me dinner, send me sweet messages during the day, he had bought a couple of things for my daughter, would open the door for me or when walking down the street holding my hand, he would always walk on the outside. Those were the little things that got me. 🙂  I was falling in love, BUT…as there is always a but…we had problems with our group of friends. We would go out on the weekends with his boys, one of them being my dear friend. I thought it was perfect. I would get to see my friend and spend time with my love. However, we fought every time because he always thought his boys were flirting with me or I was paying too much attention to them, which was not the case and only put my friend in the middle. Mind you my friend put himself in the middle quite often, saying things and insinuating things that eventually got to me.  (Lesson #2: Don’t date a close friends boy.) It all got to be too much and I ended things. There were some other contributing factors for sure and I definitely was not the nicest person to him. I had a tough summer with my family and moving out on my own with my daughter for the first time in our own place sent me down an emotional spiral and I took it out on the one person that cared about me the most and was trying to help me. I was a bitch. After I ended things we were both invited to a mutual friends birthday. It was going to be the first time we would see each other since the breakup. Looking back I shouldn’t have gone, but I wanted to see him, I missed him. As soon as I saw him I knew I had made a mistake. I just didn’t know it was a mistake I couldn’t undo. We made it through the night without making asses of ourselves, but it was still so uncomfortable. The time had come for me to move and I was moving in across the street from him. It was a weird turn of events, but it was happening. Part of me thought I could handle it, another part of me thought maybe this will help bring us back together and the other part just thought fuck it, I needed a place to live. His birthday party was the first weekend of September which was the weekend I was moving and I was invited. It was a sign to me that he missed me and of course I missed him. I went with my friend from Junior High (his boy) as I knew if anyone would have my back it would be him. It was a great night and the birthday boy and I went home together. Waking up in his arms the next morning was a sign for me that both of us knew it was a mistake and we were going to try to make this work. I moved in across the street the next couple of days and we were officially neighbors. His actually birthday was the next week, so I surprised him with breakfast; smoked salmon, bagels, cream cheese and mimosas. It was perfect. The next few weeks we spent working on our relationship, having date nights and trying to bring back that undeniable passion we had during the summer. It was tough as we had a lot to work through. I could tell he had his guard up with me and I had a lot to prove. I knew he was scared to let me in again fearing I would once again end things, but I was determined. I would cook for him, I made sure our nights together only consisted of us, I put his needs before my own. By October he ended things with me. He said he couldn’t do it, that he couldn’t forgive me for my past mistakes . I was heartbroken. (Lesson #3: You can only move forward if you leave the past behind you and focus on the future)  I hadn’t cried over a guy that much since, well, I cant even remember the last time. I didn’t know how to get over him and living across the street from him was the worst possible situation. We would run into each leaving and coming from work, I would see cars parked in his driveway and always wondered if it was another girl, I would see him while playing outside with my daughter. I was going insane. November and December were long months, but I did the best I could to move on with my head high. Christmas rolled around and I left him a Christmas card on his door step one day before he got home from work. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have, but I did. That night my phone rang and his picture came up on my caller ID. I stared at it for a brief moment before answering, wondering what would transpire next. He was calling me to thank me for the card, but in my head I knew he could have simply sent me a text thanking me. We talked for a little bit, catching up, but you could tell for the both of us this conversation was hard. I know for me I still missed him and hearing his voice again only brought back more emotional strain. The next week was Christmas and he texted me at midnight Christmas Eve wishing me a Merry Christmas and then texted me one more time that day. I didn’t know what to think except that I wished I was spending Christmas with him. New Years Eve rolled around and I decided to stay home that year with my daughter. New Years is about ringing in the new year with people you love and hope to spend the next year with sharing and creating memories. Who better than my daughter, right?! He texted me that evening wishing me a Happy New Year before he headed out. My daughter and I spent that night watching movies and playing games in front of the fireplace. We both fell asleep before midnight missing the infamous ball drop at Times Square. I woke up some time after midnight to a flurry of texts from close friends, family and him. I replied back with a simple Happy New Year and he replied right back asking how my night was expecting that I had gotten all dressed up and was out ringing in the new year at some local bar. Instead I was in my flannel pj’s, half asleep, texting with the one person I wanted to kiss at midnight. He eventually asked if he could come over and I obliged. He walked up to my door dressed and smelling wonderful, smiling at me as he made his way up my stairs. We sat in the living room catching up, he shared stories and photos of his trip back home, occasionally he would stop to just look at me and would nervously look away smiling. My stomach was in knots and I felt like a school girl sitting in front of her crush. He leaned over and kissed me and he kissed me long and hard. I had missed those lips. I had missed the way he would hold onto me pulling me closer and he continued to kiss me. If I couldn’t kiss him at midnight, then this was the next best thing! We spent the night together in front of the fireplace making love, ravishing each other, making up for the last two months we had been apart. I wish that night lasted eternity because after things went back to the way they were, awkward run ins, wondering who was parked in his driveway, hoping to not see any evidence on social media that he had moved on. I started going out more trying to make a life for myself and meeting new people. I ended up meeting some great women who have become great girl friends. Only twist is they know him a well.  Its really a small world out there. Some time had passed I am not sure when or even how, but we did start spending our nights together. Nobody knew except us. It was our secret and it was working for us. It didn’t fill that void that I was missing as I longed for a permanent man in my life and not just some half time shit, but if I couldn’t have all of him at least I could have some. I am sure a lot of this, well maybe all of this happened because we lived across from one another. There was that convenience and familiarity of it all. Sometimes I question his motives and if deep down he still cares for me, or thinks about Us, but in the end there is no Us anymore. We run into each other quite often as we run in the same circle and it doesn’t matter how crowded the bar is, I can always spot him and each time we go home together. Last night was no different.

I’ve never looked at my self or even considered the in fact I’m wifey material. A dear friend of mine and someone I once dated, pointed out yesterday that a man would be lucky to have me as his wife. (Maybe a bit bias on his end, but still) It made me realize that my way of thinking might have been my downfall, maybe I need to go into this dating world knowing I have everything to offer a man and that I in fact would make a wonderful wife!

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There is nothing more unattractive and unappealing than when a man tries to pull the “man card” and thinks all I know is how to look pretty. I know how to look pretty, but I also raise a beautiful daughter, successfully work in the corporate world, go to school, takes care of herself, watches football, curses, drinks beer, and can cook to your hearts content. I am not the women who will take your arrogant, egotistical, I know cars, so I’m a man shit! Take your time machine back to the 50’s with that nonsense.

Dating these days is challenging enough, but then you add distance in the mix and you’ve got yourself a complicated situation. Besides needing trust, and communication, you have to find ways to keep things exciting during those weeks apart. Luckily with technology and smart phones you have text messaging, photos, FaceTime, or even snapchat. As much as I want you to call me to see how my day was or text me that you are thinking about me or even the occasional pic of what you’re doing…. I also want you to talk dirty to me, I want to send you naughty photos so you can picture me doing naughty things to you. I want you to know what to look forward to the next time we see each other. There is nothing more sexy and exciting than you wanting me and letting me know that even though we can’t be next to each other. You always want what you can’t have!

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A group of us went to Vegas the summer of 09’ for a wedding for one of our closest friends. I brought along my daughter (since I was still breastfeeding) and my Mom to help me watch her.  We also had family that lived in Nevada, so we planned on seeing them as well. We drove up that Friday and I immediately had to check into the hotel and take off for pre wedding festivities. As we were heading up to the room to put our bags down I ran into this women who was in an electric wheel chair. I politely said excuse me as she was blocking the only entrance to the elevator and I had my daughter in her stroller, my suitcase behind me and my Mom following closely behind with her luggage. This women just down right ignored me, so I politely asked again and she turned and gave me the dirtiest look followed with, “don’t you see I am in a wheel chair?!” At this point I’m annoyed. I replied with, “Yes, I do see you are in a wheeI chair. However, if I had another way to the elevator I would take it rather than standing here asking your lazy ass to move out of the way so that I and the people behind me could get by. Now move.” My Mom looked at me a bit terrified, but also wanting to laugh at the same time. Whenever we see a woman resembling her appearance, we joke about that day.  That night was my first night out in Vegas as a single woman. I had never done Vegas during the 8 years I was with my daughters Dad, so being 25 now, I was ready to see what Vegas had to offer. The first night my friends and I hit up a couple of clubs and had a great time dancing and being all together again. The next day was the wedding, so while the girls were off getting their nails and hair done, I went and visited family.  I got back just enough time to fix my hair, throw on my dress and head out. The wedding was intimate and beautiful and we all had a great time sharing that moment with one another. During the wedding I started hanging out with one of the guys that came along with our group, Mark. I knew of him through pictures I had seen on Facebook, but hadn’t really ever met him before.  After the wedding we all headed back to our hotel to continue the party. Mark and I had gone ahead of the group and we were dancing and having a great time at the club located just downstairs from our hotel. The night was coming to an end, so we all started to head back to our rooms. Mark and I were walking back with one of my girlfriends and he put his arm around me, he was a lot taller than I was so that wasn’t hard to do. We got into the elevator and as the doors opened to their floor my friend stepped out with Mark and I knew I had to capture this moment. I asked him, “well aren’t you going to kiss me?” He jumped back in the elevator and grabbed me and just as my friend turns around to see the elevator doors closing, there was Mark and I embraced in the most passionate kiss. It felt like a scene from a movie playing out in real life. We took the elevator the rest of the way up to my floor, where we continued to kiss each other while trying to figure out where we could go to be alone. I wanted to spend the night with him.  In between kissing we would throw out ideas of places we could go, but nothing was coming together. My room had my Mom and daughter in it and his room had three of our friends in it. We called it a night. We continued to talk after Vegas, but with him being in Orange County and me in San Diego, things never happened. Mark eventually got a girlfriend, so we stopped talking all together. We were still friends on Facebook and would see each other at birthdays or other functions. A year later we were both invited to a mutual friend’s birthday party. He asked if I could pick him up on my way, which of course I obliged. That week we had started texting again catching up and talking as friends. The night of the party I drove from San Diego to Orange County and picked him up at his parents’ house. We drove to the event in Costa Mesa and met up with our friends to celebrate. Mark didn’t know too many of the people there as most of our friends didn’t show. We ended up having a few drinks and dancing again like we did in Vegas. I could tell the feelings of that night in Vegas were all coming back to the both of us. As we were sitting next to each other in the VIP booth, he leaned over and kissed me. I immediately pulled away knowing he still had a girlfriend. He tried a few more times that night to kiss me and as much as I wanted to kiss him back, I knew I couldn’t. We left the party around 1am and we started heading back to his house where Mark opened up to me about everything with his girlfriend, how he felt about me and how he wanted our night to end. I pulled up in front of his house and parked the car; I leaned over and kissed him. I yearned for his kiss, for his touch, for that moment again in the elevator. I knew this time we had nothing stopping us except my damn conscious knowing he had a girlfriend. I stopped Mark and told him I had to go. He continued to plead with me to stay and as much as I wanted to, I needed to go home with my dignity. I saw him again a few weeks later at another birthday party for my best friend, but this time his girlfriend was there. Let me tell you, there is nothing more awkward and uncomfortable than staring into the eyes of a women who’s boyfriend you had kissed a couple of weeks prior. I wish I could say that stopped Mark and I from texting and talking, but we continued to do so for months after. We would mostly joke about things, talk sports, work and life in general. One day he asked me for advice as he was having trouble in his relationship and was hoping another women’s perspective would help. Looking back it obviously was not something I should have gotten myself involved with, but deep down I still wanted him. What ended up happening next was us sexting. So much for my dignity, right?! We would indulge in all the things we wanted to do to each other, the things we had not been able to do in Vegas or in the car the night after our friends’ birthday party. It continued for a couple of months until one week he said he wanted to leave his girlfriend and be with me. I told him no, that I did not want to be with him romantically but only sexually. I am not sure what that did to him, but the next thing I know I was getting a call from him late that night. My gut told me not to answer and I am glad I didn’t because it was his girlfriend calling. She called a few more times leaving me voicemails about how I was ruining her life and why would I do this to her. I couldn’t believe what an idiot he was to leave those text messages on his phone or to even leave his phone unlocked for her to go thru. The next day Mark messaged me on Facebook letting me know that she had my number, which I obviously already knew. Apparently he’s not smart or quick. His girlfriend continued to message me that day trying to reach me and to have me call her. I had nothing to say to her. Her problem was not with me, it was with Mark! If it wasn’t me, it would just be with some other girl. I never did find out how she came across our texts or what transpired the next few weeks with them, but about 5 months down the road they got engaged and are now expecting a baby together. Crazy how these things work out.

So how do you handle a breakup? Well, in my teen years my breakup would be followed with tears, calls to my closest girlfriends, followed by more tears and then I’d flirt with cute guy sitting next to me in class hoping it would get back to my ex. When you are 20 something and have a child, you move on with your head held high, diaper bag in hand, handling your responsibilities, followed by sex with the cute guy  you know or in my case, sex with that one guy that got away. A lot was happening so quickly as a newly single Mom and in walks the one guy that stole my heart twelve years ago. He was my first crush, my first kiss, and my first “love”. We met when we were kids even though he was three years older than I was, we fell in love as teenagers. It was the kind of love that scared the shit out of our parents that they forbid us to see each other, but of course that never stopped us. What did get in our way was the army, the distance and eventually other relationships. I found myself back in my hometown one weekend visiting friends, so I called him.  (We had gotten each other’s numbers by a mutual friend.) I called him not because I wanted a relationship with him because I hardly knew this person anymore, but I wanted to be with him sexually. I had always wanted to share that moment with him since I was a teenager and we would be making out in the park or in his bedroom hoping it would lead to more, but the timing was never right or maybe we were just not ready. I was ready now! The only thing I didn’t imagine was how awkward sex would be while breastfeeding. These are things they don’t warn you about in all those pregnancy books and they really should. Your boobs are a leaky milky faucet and nothing says sexy like oversized breasts ready to explode. I felt like a teenager who had stuffed her bra and was afraid her tissue was going to fall out during some steamy first base action, except I was worried my nursing pads filled with breast milk were going to spill out landing right next to his face. Now if you don’t know what nursing pads are, they are these disposable pads worn in your bra between breast feedings to protect your clothes from leakage or in my case that night, to protect the naked man underneath me. I am not sure what other mothers do, and well, I imagine sex is usually with their child’s father who is understanding and aware of all the weird things going on with your body, but I was having sex with someone I hadn’t see in 8 years. I ended up keeping my bra on which really sucks since I love when a man has his hands and mouth all over my breasts, but I figured keeping his sheets clean was a little more important. Other than that, sex was great! It continued to be great the few more times that we saw each other. The way he kissed my body with his soft lips or pulled my hair as he fucked me from behind, or just lying there in his arms again. Eventually things came to an end a few months later due to him taking a job out of state, but we still keep in touch as we always will. Never let an opportunity pass ladies because you never know if it will walk back in your life 8 years later. It was a great to start my new life as a single Mom.

I am in no way trying to rush Love because you can never rush something you want to last forever, but I have been longing for
that companionship again. Someone to share my life with, someone to laugh with, and someone I yearn to wake up next to every morning. It has been over 5 years since I have had that feeling and I am not sure even when I thought I was in love before, that I really was.  What is love and how the hell do you know when you have it? I was with my daughters Dad for half of my 20’s, which is that time in your life when you should be discovering yourself and dating, but instead I was playing house with a man I knew I would never marry. Sometimes I wonder if I even loved him or if I stayed because I was comfortable. I was young and naïve. Don’t get me wrong we had some great times, however I do not
always remember them partially because the end of our relationship was filled with disgust and alcoholism. Something he still battles with and I struggle to forgive him for. They say you should come out of every relationship learning more about yourself, what you need, what you deserve, your strengths and weaknesses and I certainly came out with a better perspective of the type of women I am and the
type of women I am going to be. That hasn’t always been easy since I never went into my pregnancy thinking I would ever be a single Mom raising a daughter on my own, but who does really? It’s an internal battle I deal with and fight through every day. That kid has changed me for the better and has helped me become the women I am today, so I know things do happen for a reason and I thank her for that. Dating since my breakup has been a learning experience filled with sex, lies, awkward moments, laughter and expensive phone bills!  I have dated four men since Baby Daddy and there have been men in between and here and there.  (I nickname my men, so I will never call them by their real names, mostly to protect their identities.) I will talk about each of them as they are all still in my life one way or another and they all have played a role in where I am today….looking for Love.